WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU

You can’t park there.

We gave you the wrong vaccine for melancholy.

Your ex has married and won the lottery.

Your current spouse has a secret bank account.

There are 38 more days of winter even though the groundhog did not see its shadow.

Not all roads lead to Rome.

The speed limit is 35 miles per hour.

You have the right to remain silent.

Not everyone will vote.

Due to a breach with our cyber security, you may or may not be a candidate for identity theft.

You’re late to the party; all the sushi is gone.

There is no fortune in your fortune cookie.

Your package has been lost or stolen; check nearby surveillance cameras.

There is no cure for your disease.

Not all the tests your doctor ordered will be covered by your health insurance plan.

There are more wars going on than the ones shown on your TV.

Your library card has been revoked until you find the missing book you took out last summer.

The dog you rescued is having puppies.

Your favorite sweater is on backwards, and your socks don’t match.

Your new boss saw you at the gas station in your pajamas albeit under your coat, but she knows.

All your co-workers, sans you, have been promoted.

There’s a monkey on your back, a chip on your shoulder.

The snowplow took out your mailbox, and you missed garbage day again.

Your psychiatrist had her baby early and will be out for twelve weeks. Act accordingly.

Your grandmother watches The Bachelor while drinking martinis.

Your son has disowned the entire family.

The Narcan didn’t work on time, but you’re not allowed to disclose who overdosed on the heroin and fentanyl.

Your DNA sample indicates that you may have been cloned.

Your neighbors are signing a petition.

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2 Responses to WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU

  1. “Censorship”
    (for the Esmirelda crew)

    If the Sky God tells you
    to be silent in the night,
    you can say:

    ..you’ve seen rainbows,
    you remember the flood,
    and you’re going to sing…

    (Scott Norman Rosenthal, late Summer ‘89)

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